John

This is the Rock House Center podcast and I'm John Murphy.

Beth

And I'm Beth Murphy.

Beth

We're here today to talk about breaking free of grief because it's such a such an important topic.

Beth

Many clients come to Rockhaus Center because they're grieving a loss in their life in one way or another.

Beth

Obviously the loss of a loved one or a significant person in their life.

Beth

They may also be grieving just loss of the way that they envision their life to be with their health or their marriage or their job.

Beth

Many other things.

Beth

Our sense of community, what we see is a really pronounced in fact, even a profound contrast in how people experience grief just from when they begin the process at.

Beth

Rockville Center to when they're.

Beth

They come out on the other side, and the difference in that really relatively short period of time is truly remarkable, and another remarkable contrast are just the reports that we get from former clients who've been through difficult situations.

Beth

The death of a child, a really threatening diagnosis, or just all the losses.

Beth

Of the year 2020 and the way our former clients report to us that.

Beth

They experience those things completely differently than how they would have experienced them before going through the process at Rockhouse Center.

Beth

That contrast is what we want to get at today in terms of why.

Beth

What happens when a person is a client here and then later is sustained so that two years or 10 years after they were a client at Rockhouse.

Beth

They're experiencing losses very differently and that is getting at God's promise of how he wants to help us.

John

There's so much grief out there that people have to understand that there is an answer.

John

It doesn't have to linger.

John

There are folks who have been caught in grief and are grieving and have been done so for sometimes decades we want the world to know that that is not the outcome that has to necessarily be where you're stuck, that there is a way out that there is a process.

John

God does have an answer.

John

We see people having breakthroughs in grief.

John

And yes, some people go through our entire program.

John

But then we've also had people come in and had one meeting and get it and understand where we're going.

John

Do what needs to happen in a fairly short period of time and also get pretty significant movement very.

John

Clearly there is an answer to grieving, and it's not a place where you just endure it.

John

You just hang onto it.

John

You try to crowd it out with other behavior.

John

You try to fix it through some sort of distraction.

John

You try to replace the source of the grief or the object of the grief, which is something else that you ultimately lose it later, and the grief comes back to begin to understand.

John

Grief and what sets grief up and what keeps it going.

John

It's helpful to look at why it is that people experience loss.

John

Differently, there are those who experience loss, and there's some pain of the loss of the thing, but they process through and either a period of weeks or months.

John

Then they've kind of moved on and they've dealt with that and they're not stuck in it anymore than someone else who has the very same loss and under the very same circumstances can find themselves stuck in a place of grieving for years.

John

If not decades, the distinction of how it is that grief is experienced, or how enduring it is.

John

This is not about the specific thing that's lost.

John

It's not riding on the on the object of the grief, but it is really about the condition of the heart and the degree to which the heart has a level of connectivity or or a level of dependency on the thing that is lost.

John

So we need to start thinking about grief differently.

John

That grief is really more about a dependency.

John

The level of dependency and the depth of that dependency on the object of our loss versus the thing it's.

John

Self just replacing that thing with another thing is not really the answer.

John

Let's deal with what's going on inside of us, which creates that dependency and get healed on a foundational level so we don't find ourselves back in this situation again later.

John

That's really where we want to focus the conversation.

Beth

So looking at people who say they're in a family and a loved one.

Beth

US people experience that same loss differently, just what you were saying and the tendency is to think that one person somehow has different character or has managed to organize their life differently and kind of buck up and move on.

Beth

Those are the symptomatic things in terms of what they may be doing in life and what we really want to do is.

Beth

What we always do at Rockhouse, which is look at the deeper thing what's going on in our own hearts if I'm the one experiencing the grief and it's prolonged as you know, sometimes people who come to rockhouse they've.

Beth

They're realizing that there are five years they're ten years or even longer, past a big loss in their life and time is not quote making it better because it doesn't tend to do that.

Beth

It may obscure it.

Beth

We make it distracted, but it's not healing it, and they're realizing that no.

Beth

In fact, they're actually probably worse, and so getting at why?

Beth

What else is going on in their heart?

Beth

What was this setup?

Beth

In their life, their heart that the loss occurred on top of, I guess there's a way to look at it back to your point about dependency.

Beth

That's what we want to get at as we pull the curtain back on that.

Beth

That's how we really start to help people.

John

And there are a couple of fallacy's that we probably ought to address that would be helpful to understand. The dynamic of how grief works, and one of those is that there is no defined time.

John

Some people feel like they have to grieve a certain period of time and then after that grief is over that that's there's going to have to keep going until they've hit that particular benchmark.

John

If I am still grieving, then it means I just haven't grieved long enough that the the solution is just going to be to keep grieving until it goes away that there's a certain time at which it's just going to stop, and so there's an expectation, but that never comes.

John

Still, for a lot of people who are just years and decades later still grieving, so we need to get out of our time perspective.

John

There may be some customs around how long we want to.

John

Position ourselves our display that we are in a place of grief.

John

But when you take away the time function in terms of thinking about how we address time and what's appropriate, our that that's even a dynamic that has some determination on how much grief.

John

Because, again, things that determines that is really somewhere else, and that's in your heart.

John

Another fallacy is that we are doing this to honor the person who has been deceased.

John

And that needs to happen, and that if I stop grieving then I've dishonored someone or I don't show how much I love the person or those kinds of displays.

John

And then there's the piece where I have actually got a sense.

John

Of my worth even or how well I'm doing or how people will perceive me that if I don't grieve well, so these are again are fallacy's that have to do with customs and other traditions and other false beliefs around the idea of grieving, which can serve to sustain the grief that people are.

Beth

Caught up in so back on this.

Beth

Really important point that there's a focus on the degree of dependency that we have on the person who has passed away or whatever.

Beth

We have lost the deeper the dependency than the greater the sense of loss and grief, and so we want to take a look at.

Beth

That dependency and where relief is going to come from, so that's why it's not determined by time, because that's not going to resolve it and plugging something else in that place that we hope is going to just sort of serve as a distraction or a subject change.

Beth

Kind of whether it's an activity or a job or a ministry.

Beth

Or even a person that too isn't really going to resolve the level of dependency.

Beth

It can sometimes result in just a switched dependency.

Beth

On something else that can also end because it's a person or an endeavor or things.

Beth

Of course that have an end to them, and so basically the grief is going to continue until the true loss is replaced.

Beth

So we want to get at what the dependency was, what the loss represented to us.

Beth

Us to get at where God has the healing.

John

Yes, so we're talking about.

John

The need that we all have.

John

This is back to the divine needs the the earning that God has put in us to be counting on him and trusting him to fill these deep divine needs.

John

And they are things like our sense of worth, our peace about provision, our piece, about purpose, the very deep things which are important to all people.

John

Because we've been counting on something in the world.

John

What we see through long term grieving is that usually there's something really deep riding and something like a divine level of need riding on the thing that was lost, and that's why the pain is so deep and why it's so enduring and why there is no other real replacement.

John

So from our perspective, if you just find the other thing in the world to substitute.

John

The thing that you've lost, so you've got two issues.

John

You're going to still not completely satisfy that divine satisfaction of that issue, and the other thing is that you've set yourself up to be grieving again and experience loss.

John

Again, because the thing that we are looking at in the world which is not divine, is never going to fill that deep need, and so that's why it is so important that we see grieving as an opportunity to focus on the heart and heal the heart and to bring God into a place of greater and greater trust and greater greater dependency.

John

We bring the end to the grief, and then you're not set up to then.

John

Live this grief again when something else is dependent on that is not really able to satisfy these deep earnings that God is put All in all of us back to the Ecclesiastes 311 scripture.

Beth

I think one situation that we see fairly commonly is when we've been in relationship with a person.

Beth

And maybe it's a husband or wife or a loving grandfather or a really dear aunt.

Beth

But a person who's done a reasonable job relationally of representing God like love, they've been able to make what we call deposits in our value bank our love bank because of the ways in which they've affirmed us.

Beth

Or loved us when they're gone, and particularly if it's a sudden loss, it can feel like we've lost that thing.

Beth

So when you ask the question, well, what do you feel like you lost when so and so passed away?

Beth

And when the answer but.

Beth

Psalms, the only person who really, truly knew me.

Beth

The only one who really loved me.

Beth

The only person who valued me, my confidant, the only one, the person who gave me worth or value, and people really can truly have a a deep sense of unworthiness outside of being connected to this.

Beth

Particular person who loved them well, and so when it's that kind of a sense of loss, they're revealing that what it feels like to them is it feels like God died because.

Beth

'cause those are ultimate divine level need type things that they're expressing.

Beth

Because in truth, of course, God is the only one who really, fully knows us and fully loves us.

Beth

100% always come through. Never let us down never die, never leave us. Never disappoint us. He's he's the only 100% assurance.

Beth

Of those foundational things that we need of being known and loved, and.

Beth

Valued and providing for us, comforting us taking care of US ultimate companionship earthly people.

Beth

People in relationships can do a really good relational job of that kind of thing, but when we feel like we've lost the only source of that because the person passed away, that's the clue that.

Beth

We're looking to that person.

Beth

For a divine level, filling of that need in our lives, and so understanding that no, we haven't lost that we've got that foundational level of being fully known and loved and valued and cherished in himself, and that will never go away.

Beth

That's the essence of getting at the healing from grief can begin.

John

Yeah, another one is to add to the list, which I think is a very practical one is that we all have a sense of needing assurance about provision example, we all want to be relying on God for a sense of absolute peace about provision.

John

God may have used our spouse or may have used a situation that we now don't have access to.

John

As a way to provide for us, but when we actually have our sense of peace, our sense of assurance about provision on an individual and then when we lose that access to that person or that situation, then we lose our peace about provision.

John

God would have us count on him 100% for provision and allow him to fulfill that promise through the things in our lives.

John

But that's another great example, where as long as that person is there and they are, say it is provisioned and the person is a good provider and we don't really feel.

John

So like we need to go, make sure that we're counting on God and God alone for assurance, but we just find ourselves in this place of dependency and we lose that.

John

Then we lose the level of God like dependency.

John

We leave the level of peace that God can give us about provision, and it does feel like God has died because we put all of this focus on this individual that isn't or the situation.

John

It's no longer available to us.

Beth

As you were talking, I had a thought that I'm not sure I have ever actually expressed, but I just remembered how as a child or somewhere in younger years having this realization that my father would pass away at some time before I would.

Beth

Likely, and that as a physician, and he was the answer man for all of our you know, little wounds and Nicks and or more significant health problems, he was the go to person and I just remember having the thought that wow if life goes on and he's not here, I won't have any answer for my medical problems.

Beth

What will I do?

Beth

And just an interesting thought that of course.

Beth

God's got more answers for medical problems than just my one person. My father, who I was relying on.

Beth

It's just a picture of how we can without realizing a course that we're doing that at all. We're putting a person in in that slot meant for God, because God's the bigger picture of my health my medical needs.

Beth

And, you know, as an adult we can all look at that and know and know that.

Beth

That that, from a practical standpoint, even with other people and resources that they're going to be answers.

Beth

But the big answer is that God, my healer, gods, my protector, and he's he's the source of answers.

Beth

He provided my loving father and he's going to provide all the other things that that I need that he represented to me in that.

Beth

Thought process as a.

Beth

Child when it just hit me that wow.

Beth

How will I how I make it through life without him to answer that problem for me?

John

There are many well meaning people that usually are in the scene when we are suffering and we're in grieving and many times they suggest that we need to substitute the thing with something else or distract ourselves or to do something that would allow us to maybe refocus that need or to some activity to some.

John

Other individual, whatever it is.

John

And while that is certainly well meaning, I think it's really important to recognize that we need to make the decision.

John

Are we going to go back to something else in the world that puts us back in the place that we are?

John

Are we or are we going to seek God to fill that spot?

John

That's the position everybody who is grieving is in is that we have the opportunity to end the grief and fill that emptiness.

John

And the loss with God or we can give in to the again.

John

Well meaning suggestions of other people to move into other activities or start dating or do something else.

John

Find the next job or whatever it is, but we have the opportunity to see that if we're in this much pain, this is not God.

John

In God's plans for us to be at peace and to be resilient, no matter what comes so the opportunity now that we present to you whoever is listening is to consider.

John

Are you ready to move away from dependency on things in the world so that you can have this once and for all?

John

Assurance about the things that you lost when you lost that person and we want to talk about engaging you in a prayer.

John

About that

Beth

This is tremendously important.

Beth

I'm just thinking of the again of the people who've come to rockhaus.

Beth

Sometimes there a sense of wanting to remain in this world diminishing because of the intensity of how bad their grief has gotten over a long extended period of time and.

Beth

Just my gratitude to the Lord for watching what he has done in their lives to completely turn that around and give them a sense of peace, assurance, meaning, purpose, and live desire to go forward.

Beth

All of what's available all from this heart change, which you can begin to launch with a simple prayer.

Beth

And so we invite and encourage you to engage in this prayer and open your heart to the Lord.

John

The first question that you have right before you move into this prayer is what did I lose if I'm in a place of grief right now and I'm thinking about that situation or the person or whatever it is that has been taken from my world or I've lost that has caused this grief.

John

The question for you right now is what is the deep thing that is missing?

John

Because that is no longer in your world and I just want to say Heavenly Father just in the name of your son Jesus, we ask that you would reveal that to everybody listening.

John

What is the thing that you want to satisfy that you want to fill instead of the thing in the world that was the place where they went before for that soul?

John

Or just ask that you would just reveal that to them right now and.

John

His name, so be thinking about those things that came to your mind.

John

Whatever it was, those first things.

John

Those are the things that we want to pray about and ask God to replace the object of loss with his presence and his love and his assurance.

John

So I just encourage you to enter into this prayer now, so repeat, after me.

John

Heavenly Father, please forgive me for trusting in anything.

John

Or anyone other than you.

John

To fill any of my divine needs.

John

I specifically release and reject my dependency on filling the blank.

John

Therefore what is the object of your loss?

John

I'll repeat it again.

John

I specifically release and reject my dependency on filling the blank to fill the needs.

John

That only you can fill.

John

To have the peace that only you can provide me.

John

Father, please remove.

John

From my heart.

John

Any wrong dependency?

John

That I have.

John

And replace it with you.

John

And your love and your assurance.

John

Please heal me from the ways I have suffered.

John

From depending on the things that can't bring me peace or assurance.

John

And replace it with your supernatural peace.

John

Please strengthen me to resist the temptation.

John

To retain my old dependencies.

John

Rather than to trust you more like Christ, trust you.

John

I pray these things in the name of your son Jesus.

Beth

Amen, Amen.

Beth

May you be blessed by that prayer and how it leads you to this deeper place of trusting the Lord and so please send this to anybody that you think would be blessed by this prayer and by these concepts.

Beth

And we would also encourage you to refer to a couple of podcasts which you can find on your.

Beth

Your favorite podcast app or rockhaus center. Com But one that's entitled embracing dependence on God. From November 10th of 2020 and then one entitled why I can't trust God from March 31st of 2020.

Beth

Those two topics might really be helpful to you as kind of the next step after praying this prayer.

John

Thanks for joining us goodbye.

Beth

Bye bye.