Audio file 

Freedom_from_Being_Controled_f.mp3 

Transcript 

John Murphy 

This is the Rockhouse Center podcast, and I'm John Murphy. 

Beth Murphy 

I'm Beth Murphy and we're talking today about freedom from being controlled, and we're talking about it because it's such a giant source of robbing people's peace. When you think about burdens in life. This is a theme where people have things that are very important to them. People, relationships, outcomes of circumstances and experiences in life. But they're out of control of how the thing goes or how the relationship goes. And so it's just really a big source of angst in. Aye. 

John Murphy 

Yeah, I think that a lot of the stress that we understand our clients are experiencing, if you boil it down and get to the real root core of what's going on is that there's something that's really important to them that's going on in their life. And it could be a relationship. It could be a career, it could be the stock market, their 401K, the whatever it is. But there's something really significant and meaningful and deep riding on it. 

Speaker 

I mean. 

John Murphy 

For them and their sense of assurance about life, so it can bring a lot of stress. But then there are also situations where it can bring a lot of resentment because a lot of times those dependencies are around people. And the way in which people. Hey end up creating a lot of anger and a lot of frustration and a lot of offense. The reason why it's so offensive to them is because something so important is riding on it in their own heart, and a lot of times that other person may not even be aware of that because it's about what's happening in the heart of the client. 

Beth Murphy 

So it feels like what's going on is the fault of that person. It's the fault of the person that we cannot control or get them to do what we want them to do or get the. The outcome of the situation to be what we want that outcome to be so it feels like, of course that they're the one at fault. They're the one, they're the one that's doing or saying the thing that's igniting this thing within me basically is gone. But what's really happening is they're controlling how I feel because what they do or they don't do. Is driving how I? 

John Murphy 

And the really fascinating thing is that even though that's happening, we're giving them that control. We're the ones that have the sensitivity to the other person's behavior. So the way in which we address the conflict and of course, a lot of times, it has to start with some forgiveness, the way in which we resolve it for the long term and really getting the person free. Is to help them see the things that are going on inside of them that have allowed another person's behavior to cause them to lose their peace. 

Beth Murphy 

So with the way other people behave impacts the way we feel in life. Then they've got control over how our life feels. 

John Murphy 

A great example for me and I think for a lot of people that I hear their life story has to do with that first relationship. When you have that first relationship, maybe it's high school, maybe it's college, but there's a real sense of dependency on that other person. You can really tell that there's something. Something really significant riding on a relationship when the other person, when we hear the stories of the other person breaks off the relay. Ship and it's so devastating for our client and they just they remember it. They remember the weeks and days of suffering and the loss of peace and the sleepless nights and the behavior that they did to sort of medicate the way that felt well that was somebody else's behavior which was breaking up, which caused our client to suffer really deeply. And that is because of the dependency level that our client. That on that relationship, the things that we're riding on, how they were treated by having that person in their life, whatever it was for that particular client is really the source of the. Suffering. 

Beth Murphy 

So now when you think about what resolution feels like, kind of what's, what's the target here is just getting to a place where other people can say and do whatever they want or whatever they tend to do given their life and their heart condition, they can do whatever they do or say, and you're able to stay at peace. Because that's really an expression of emotional strain. Thing or having, well, you know what the world calls having your own power back. 

John Murphy 

There are two key things which we are made to look outside of ourselves for to have assurance in. There are actually there are many, but two of the main ones that we see so, so frequently in people is the trying to figure out what we often see in folks is trying to fulfill a deep need of worth. And trying to have a deeper level have a deep level of assurance about how their life is going. Seems like those two particular tracks are the ones that create the situations of the greatest loss of peace. How it works is a God built to us so that we can't throw our own surprise party and actually feel genuinely, deeply loved from that, because what we're looking for is validation or love. From outside. That is purely motivated from the outside and is outside of our control when people through their self will and through their decision and through their love decide to love us apart from anything we've done to encourage them to love us. That is what fills our needs of being valued. We sense that we are valued by someone else and so therefore we feel value because ultimately that was built. For God and only God is going to fill that deepest deep. This need and only he can really do that when we are in this place of deciding we want to solve this problem on our own and we're looking to the things in the world to solve this problem and we go around and choose those things and rely on those things that ultimately we've given given things in the world which are untrustworthy at a really deep level to satisfy our deepest needs. We give them control and therefore. When? They step outside of delivering the validation we need, then it's a real loss of peace for. Us. And creates a lot of angst and can create offence and can create bad behavior and all kinds of other. Things one of the. 

Beth Murphy 

Clear ways that people suffer is in the context of marriage, and we're really any relationship. It can be parents with children and children with their parents or friends. But in terms of people that come to Rock house center with a big focal point on marriages, the setup is that. That one or both spouses are looking to the other one to fulfill, maybe an unstated list of needs or desires, or wants to to do those two things that John was just saying, establish a sense of worth and value and assurance and peace about how life's going to go. Somehow they want their spouse to do that. In some ways, people just have an unstated expectation and are constantly living in a place of disappointment because their spouse isn't doing. That and in other cases, people actually write out lists or verbalize lists. Here are the things I need you to do. These are the ways in which I want you to love me and behave in a certain way and and if they've gone to traditional marriage counseling, the counselor may have also supported that concept and gotten them to. Endorsed this list of things that someone else should do to supposedly make the person feel valued and love and cherish and all those things. But what happens 100% of the time is it doesn't work. Because. Then of course, the next thing is what? Wait a minute. Are you doing this because I gave you this list? Are you doing this because the counselor told you to do this? Or do you really love me? Do you really care about me? Do you really value me and the other spouse is backed against the wall? Pretty hopeless about ever being able to fulfill those needs. Because they're doing the best they're able to do, but it's never going to be enough because it can't be enough. 

John Murphy 

And relationships are kind of the headline issue, but very often we find as we dig into it, there are a lot of other things that are going on in their lives for value and for assurance about life. And for example, someone gets fired from a job. Well, their sense of stature in the job or the income from that job has a lot to do with what their how life feels to them. Someone might lose their favorite home because of some event occurred in their lives, or a lot of times people are counting on others too. For instance, a child and a child's performance, or their behavior that how they feel about life is riding on that. Some people get very wrapped up in their supporting their favorite team and when their team loses, they lose their peace. How their team performs is controlling how that person feels about life. A lot of times people will seek approval of others or accolades, try to accomplish things like becoming the valedictorian or the Heisman Trophy winner and those kinds of big. Titles or big accomplishments, but what then they find is that while they put all this effort into it, you know 5 or 10 minutes after it's occurred, the thing that they were looking for to fill it just they realize it's just not gonna fill it. It's a little bit like that. So often we've heard the story of a client remembering that they opened all the presents on Christmas Day, and 10 minutes after all the presents are opening opened, there's an emptiness, they just, you know, they had an expectation that it was that the whole Christmas experience was going to fill something for them. And it just left them empty as a result of that. So these are all situations in which. Someone's piece is riding on something outside of their control, but what we have to recognize is that it's about our dependency on those things, which sets us up to have loss of peace and allow things outside of our control to control us and how life feels for us. 

Beth Murphy 

So the ultimate source of feeling our deepest needs for worth, of course, is God. He's the only one who can always be counted on. We we can't control him and we don't need to control him. We don't need to convince him to love us more than he already loves us perfectly. He is a supreme validator. He is the ultimate. 

Speaker 

Oh. 

Beth Murphy 

Source of value and worth. He's the one that created you in his. Image chose you and set you apart before the foundation of the world loves you, adores you, and even with knowing your every thought before it's fully formed, everything you've ever said or done. He loves you and adores you just cause he loves you and adores you. Well, that's the foundational rock of value and worth validation. And everything else is going to fall short compared to that. The relational things or the experienced things or the the achievement. All of them fall short, even of what they could do. I mean it. There is a real gratification from being loved by someone else and valued by someone else, or you're surprise party example. I mean that no question that feels good and there are things that can feel good when left in their right slot in your heart. But when? Those little things, relatively little things are being plugged into the place intended for God and God alone. They're always gonna fall so short, you know, hope deferred makes the heart grow sick. It leads to despair in life because. The unending pursuit of that deep, aching longing to be met by a person or an accomplishment or a thing, or an experience high and none of it can. 

John Murphy 

Do that the foundational shift that needs to occur in our heart is instead of looking to and choosing and through our own control, choosing those things and relying on those things and creating dependencies on those things in the world that can never fill that. Deepest need. Then we have to shift off of that, onto trusting God to fill it because he is ready to fill it. He wants to fill it. He has built you with that need for him to fill it. But we will have to move into a place where we are laying down dependencies on things in the world, recognizing them as hopeless to satisfy the thing that I'm looking for and shift into a place where we're really trusting God. Or the answer that only he can bring that we absolutely have to have to have peace about. Life. 

Beth Murphy 

Otherwise, we just stay in a place of our emotional state, being disrupted to the very core, and there's no way out of that other than giving God permission to transfer our dependencies off of all those people, all those goals, everything that we've looked to in life, all of which were out of control. All of that, we're out of control of all that. We cannot get them. The people, the relationships, the things. To fill that place in our heart. And so it's just this repeated dead end of really feels like emotionally beating your head against the wall. And then blaming the people who haven't come through at the level we want them to come through. It's just the failed strategy. It's just a failed strategy from the get go. And so it's letting go of the failed strategy, letting go of my dependency on all those things. That's where we get the the real power of life, the real peace of life. That's the only place that we can get. It is letting go of our own failed strategy to try to control the things that we can't control, to give us the worth that they can't give us in the first place. 

John Murphy 

Freedom from being controlled is really about dealing with the dependencies we have on things which are not dependable to solve, a need which can only be solved in one way. And then when we have accomplished that freedom of the dependency on the things which actually don't have the answer, then we are now free of all of those things. It's the, it's that dependency which actually is establishes the link of control between the behavior and us. So we want to find those places where we have a dependency to fill something that can't be ever filled by the thing we're dependent on and that brings us freedom from whatever goes on that brings us the resilience and the peace you're talking about. Is that when we have cut off that connection of? See. Then they can do whatever they want and we can stand in the midst of whatever behavior or whatever things that are going around us, knowing that our deepest need is met by something that is trustworthy and dependable, which is God, and it's appropriate to depend on God for that. Just remember, there's a healthy dependency here. God has built us to be dependent on him to fill those things. And so dependency is not wrong. This just has to be correctly focused. When it's focused on God to solve the problem, then we have depended on the correct thing. We can trust that and then we live in a place of completion and fulfillment and also incredible resilience, which is the power you're talking about. This incredible resilience that I can stay at peace because my core needs are being met apart from anything that goes on in the world, loss of any possession. The loss of any relationship or the way any relationship is going, even though those aren't supposed to be fun or we're not going to enjoy those times when things aren't going. And in those situations, you're able to have this supernatural piece that defines defies understanding that's talked about in the scripture. Well, that's it. When you're able to stand there at peace because you're dependent on God and everything is coming apart around you, you're basically living in something that is supernatural. It's a piece that's born out of a relationship with the supernatural. And so. It doesn't make any sense. And it doesn't fit with what's going on in the world around you. And that's when we moved away from dependency on anything in the world around us to fill this deep thing that only God can fill. And we have established and we are sustaining and maintaining the dependency of God to feel what it is he built you to for. 

Beth Murphy 

Him to fulfill. So a simple test just to look at in your own life is if you would fill in the blank. That well, I can be peaceful if or I'll feel good about myself. When or if so, and so, we'll just do what I've asked them to do. Then I could be happy, or then I could be peaceful. 

John Murphy 

Another great example is the test of how at what degree do we react to things? Put it on the scale of 1 to 10, the number two offense that garners a #10 response out of us? Well, everything between 2:00 and 10:00 is inside. It's it's a condition of our heart. There's a dependency on someone to behave. Other than what just happened at a pretty? High level so that when the number two offense occurs, we respond at A10 level because of our dependency on that behavior to deliver something that it's not. 

Beth Murphy 

Or you can identify it when you see that you want to escape something. I I I just have got to get away from this job or this boss or I have to leave my spouse after there. There's no way I could possibly be peaceful in life unless I divorced them or. Or I can't possibly enjoy anything with my child. I've just gotta get them out of the house and get away from them. OK, those are clues. 

John Murphy 

If I. Just have this relationship instead of the one I've got. If I could have this car instead of the one I've got all of those things are a kind of thinking, which is ultimately gonna come back around to you because you're gonna take your broken heart to the next thing, no matter what it is. You need to get your heart peaceful in the situation and not to be running from it. And then I've had so many people say that after they've gone through dealing with heart issues that they're OK with their job. I had one individual. People who was talking about how excited they were, they were turning 65 and they were going to retire and it's over well when they got done in the program, he said. To me, he offered. I didn't ask, he said to me, you know what? I like this job. I can't really see quitting. This is, I really. And this is really fulfilling to me. Well, what happened was, is that there was a. There were things riding on this job and relationships. Around this job, which made this job miserable. But, and so those things were controlling how he felt about his job. But once he dealt with those dependencies, he was able to just that peacefully, see the things about the job that he liked, those people weren't bothering, or those situations didn't bother him anymore. And his preference was really to stay in the job while the conversation. So much of our conversation was how much he was couldn't wait to leave it. 

Beth Murphy 

And of course, it's beautiful when we see that consistently at Rockhouse Center in all these different relationships in life that are embattled with parents to a child or children with their parents, husbands and wives, and absolutely got to change the other one. Cannot stand how they're behaving, cannot tolerate it, or it's hurtful, or it's distressing or anxiety producing. Absolutely gotta end it, change it, get away from them, whatever it is. And then the other one isn't necessarily changing at all, but our client changes their heart changes and the way they see themselves, the way they depend on God. Changes, no matter how many times we see it at Rockhouse Center, it's absolutely a miracle every single time it happens and we're rejoicing. And we. 

John Murphy 

Right, right. 

Beth Murphy 

So there's a heavenly host that's rejoicing as well, because it truly is what happens when our dependencies come off of the things we're trying to control, that are in fact, actually controlling us. And the dependency moves over to God. Life changes at the very most foundational level. 

John Murphy 

One of the ones that I think everybody appreciate is just the child who is really obsessed with the computer game, and that's all that's on their mind. But as they get healed up and they get the love that they need and they get more peaceful, then you find out that suddenly the child doesn't remember the last time they played the game or it's not that important to them or they would rather be with their parents or what. There it. Is. Those are, you know, from the perspective of a parent who just sees this as completely an out of control thing in my child's life. And I have no idea how to deal with it and just see the child walk away as they move towards having more of the right answers for their deepest needs. That is a miracle. And of course, the one of the main reasons it is a miracle because it's only because of our relationship with Lord and appealing to him and dealing with these things in the context. Of the Lord that these things happen, and so they are truly miracle. Well, I think it's time to get some freedom here. I think we ought to take that first step. Like I just said, it's in the context of our relationship with the Lord, and it is counting on him to bring us the freedom that we want as we ask him to help us realign our heart to count on him. So let's talk about getting into a prayer here. 

Beth Murphy 

OK, let's do that. Let's pray about rejecting dependency on other people or things to meet our deepest needs of assurance and declare our trust in God to fill what he most wants to. So follow along with me here. I'll pause and give you an opportunity to repeat to yourself so that you can really internalize this prayer. And by the way, there is a real power in saying the words out loud. It's a significant, meaningful thing that affects you and deepens your commitment to what it is you're asking the Lord to do. So before our prayer, we're going to do a pre prayer. I will just start with that right now so and you can repeat whoever's listening, you just repeat this after me. Heavenly Father, please show me what it is. I'm depending on other than you. What it is you want me to submit to you? So that you can transfer my dependency to you. So now take that thing, whatever the first thing is that came to mind, don't process over it or eliminate it or choose something and just grab the thing that came into your mind and let's go with this prayer. Heavenly Father, please forgive me. For depending on anything or any person. To fill the needs you put in me for you to fill. Father, I ask you to to break my dependency on. Fill in the blank. For divine peace, divine assurance. Or divine love. I reject any belief or expectation. That anything or any person. Can fill any of those needs. Father, I ask you into my heart to help me. Help me move into trusting you for peace. Rather than whatever I can acquire or control. Father, I forgive anyone that I'm angry at. For they are offensive or negative behavior toward me. I release them from the responsibility of how I've suffered. And I forgive anyone who's fallen short of my expectations of them. To feel my deepest needs of worth and validation. Father, please bless them. And show me how to care about them the way you do. Without dependency. And without condition. Father, please allow me the supernatural peace. That can come only from trusting you. And submitting my heart to your leading. In every aspect of my life. I pray this in the name of your son, Jesus. Amen. 

John Murphy 

Amen. And I just want to say that as you deal with that particular issue, just know that there will be there may very well be one behind it there. It's it's rare that there's just one, there's probably multiple things in varying degrees that we can find ourselves dependent on. So please if you are led, just come back. Do this prayer at any time. Ask God again. What's the thing now? What's the? What's the next thing? And you can go back through this prayer again and just ultimately walk your pathway of freedom out from under the control of others so that you can have the supernatural peace that he's promised all believers. So glad that you listened in today, and if you're having a trouble with any of this, this or you get stuck, please don't hesitate to call us. We'll. Be glad to help you out. Thank you and have a great week. Goodbye.