Transcript

John Murphy

This is the Rock House Center podcast and I'm John Murphy.

Beth Murphy

And I'm Beth Murphy. We're talking today about the key to physical intimacy. God created physical intimacy and marriage and he's got the answer when there's a problem, there's a reason why the phrase sexless marriage is near the top of the most frequently searched Google searches. And the answer is actually part of a bigger problem.

John Murphy

Yeah, the folks that come in and need help in this category are really just puzzled. They can't understand how it is that that could be the case. It doesn't make sense to them if we dig into and understand all physical touch and what's behind it and what makes it feel appropriate and comfortable. Then it begins to explain the overall issue of when people talk about sexless marriages, what's really going on? Behind it, so we want to dig into that issue and really explain the connection between physical intimacy and emotional intimacy. And that's the foundational concept that is important to understand. To be able to understand why it is that someone would have trouble with physical intimacy in their marriage.

Beth Murphy

Marriages are under a lot of pressure. Perhaps now more than ever intimacy on all levels is right at the heart of the issue.

John Murphy

It can be the cause or it can be the result of what's going on and why things are difficult to get into. This question of physical intimacy and how it all works. We need to discuss emotional intimacy and physical intimacy together, 'cause emotional intimacy. Is the basis for. Or why it is that physical intimacy makes sense if you don't have emotional intimacy, then there's not a natural move into physical intimacy. There's a connection between the.

Beth Murphy

Two and by physical embassy we mean any level of physical intimacy we're talking about. You know the spouse who has a hard time allowing their husband or wife to put their hand on their arm. Or touch their shoulder, or any level of physical touch can be an issue. All across the board in all ways of relating and marriage. And so we want to also broaden out the concept of what we're talking about here and get at the connection between emotional intimacy and physical intimacy on all levels.

John Murphy

I think if you look at just the idea of shaking someone's hand, there is emotional intimacy is about being accepted is about being not No Fear of being. Rejected No Fear of being criticized, control or someone to withdraw from you. If you make a physical advance, just the idea of shaking someone's hand, you would not put your hand forward to shake someone else, his hand. Unless you had some level of appropriateness of that or some level of confidence that someone would take your hand and shake it back, so that's just the beginning. Of the first touch point, literally the first touch point in a physical contact. Physical intimacy. There is a physical touch which feels appropriate. OK all the way on that end of spectrum and all the way on the other end of the spectrum, we talk about sexual engagement. It's all in the same spec. From of understanding the relationship between emotional intimacy and emotional acceptance and a sense of being known and being accepted, and the degree to which physical touch seems like an appropriate interaction. So the two go together.

Beth Murphy

It's a deep, divinely implanted need in all of us to be fully known and fully loved. God, of course, is the only one who can do that perfectly for anyone. It is in that sense, or really literally a deep divine level need. So he's the only one that delivers it perfectly and conveys that your worth is unquestionable. It's not depending on how well you've. Behaved or certainly what you look like or how you act. He knows you fully and there's no risk that he will reject you not accept you or certainly not criticize you. He just adores you and cherishes you. That's the fully known, fully love that we're yearning for from God. And most people go into marriage hoping their spouse is going to do some representation of that.

John Murphy

The culture we are in has been pulling us in other direction. It has been pulling us towards the idea that divine level of acceptance and being fully known and fully loved, which we all need to be assured about our own worth to feel like life is OK. There's something about all of us that we need to have a deep level of understanding that we can be completely understood. And not rejected and loved. That is a God thing, but the world is trying to tell us that there's another way to get at that. And when you run into people who have had promiscuous lifestyles and the relative to sexual interaction. You can tell that they're under the lie that physical intimacy actually is a way to get to emotional intimacy. Gods design is that emotional intimacy comes first. Physical intimacy is a natural outcome of emotional intimacy in a marriage situation. Physical intimacy is a part of a marriage relationships, part of covenants, part of a commitment. When we have greater and greater. Ability to accept people where they are and to love them and that they can feel as though they are confident in the love that they have from there. Spouse Touch is a natural part of the confirmation of that sense of acceptance.

Beth Murphy

So there's really no way to be satisfied with emotional intimacy or physical intimacy if we don't first accept that God fully knows us and loves us.

Beth Murphy

That's the foundation for it all.

Beth Murphy

To kind of back to concept we talk about.

Beth Murphy

A lot here at Rock House and marriage settings, just that we can't really delight in our spouse until we're getting to a place where we're delighting in the Lord.

Beth Murphy

He's the source of love and it's receiving his love that helps us love our spouse.

Beth Murphy

Plus and receive the love that our spouse is able to give us without a level of expectation that they can't ever meet.

Beth Murphy

What happens when we're looking for our husband or our wife to be more than they can be in whatever level of intimacy that we're seeking?

Beth Murphy

Whether it's emotional or physical or or, the combination of them both?

Beth Murphy

Going into our interactions and relationship with them with a bar that's too high that no spouse can ever meet, we get ourselves in a loop of just this constant.

Beth Murphy

Unmet expectation and a sense of disappointment.

Beth Murphy

The sense of rejection on both sides.

Beth Murphy

Once that gets going because we've got the bar of expectation too high.

Beth Murphy

Spouse is disappointing us or we feel like we're disappointing them and then emotional intimacy is discouraged and less and less available.

Beth Murphy

True, meaningful physical intimacy cannot happen.

Beth Murphy

It doesn't occur without the depth of emotional intimacy on a gratifying kind of level.

Beth Murphy

For then, physical touch to be.

Beth Murphy

The natural next outcome.

John Murphy

The review for just a second emotional embassy.

John Murphy

No Fear of being fixed, criticize or controlled or rejected, so the barriers to physical intimacy are the reverse of all those things.

John Murphy

If you're in a situation where you feel like someone is trying to control you, if you feel like you're going to disappoint them.

John Murphy

If you feel like their rejection is coming.

John Murphy

If you feel the control is.

John Murphy

Those are the kinds of things which are going to have someone kind of shut down when you think about true emotional intimacy, that's an opening feeling comfortable to allow someone to see you deeply.

John Murphy

That's emotional intimacy and when they can see you deeply and still don't reject you and still don't criticize you and still value you, that's when you feel a level of deep value and acceptance by the other person.

John Murphy

That natural desire that comes out of mutual transparency and mutual acceptance.

John Murphy

That's what naturally rolls into a sense of the physical intimacy is a safe place to go.

John Murphy

It's something that we're willing to receive, and it's something that we're willing to initiate and we don't have those fear.

John Murphy

There's when that sense of shared desire about the reaction to advancing physical intimacy with someone that's only available through emotional intimacy.

John Murphy

So we have to start unpacking all of the ways in which we can create a barrier through the opposite of emotional intimacy, which is being distant and cold and all those.

John Murphy

Kinds of things, so we'll dig in now to what are the sort of postures of the heart which stand in the way of the emotional intimacy that God is meant for us to have in marriage?

Beth Murphy

That's tremendously important, and looking at the way those dynamics work when there's a resistance to.

Beth Murphy

Accept or initiate touch.

Beth Murphy

It just makes sense to ask what the problem is and what's behind that, because it's going to back up to the barriers to emotional intimacy.

Beth Murphy

In the case of the initiator, that person has a fear of rejection that if they're reaching out and they're going to touch and they want to hold hands while they're walking down the sidewalk.

Beth Murphy

To go get some pizza, they're going to pull back from doing that if they feel like their spouse is likely to yank their hand away or push back on them, or it has in some way.

Beth Murphy

Got a grudge going that they haven't let go of or whatever might be they're not approving of them, but if there's fear of rejection even on the smallest of things, then initiator is not going to initiate or the sense of criticism.

Beth Murphy

Fear that whatever I do is not going to be good enough and it could come because we've been criticized.

Beth Murphy

Been criticized for the way we wash a car or fix dinner or raise the children or behave in life, or how we look physically or whatever, but whatever it is, if we feel like we're subject to criticism, then we're going to just clam up and not make ourselves available for emotional or physical intimacy and.

Beth Murphy

If we just have a fear of disappointment, this person is going to disappoint me because I've got them with a set of expectations they can't meet, or I'm fearing that I will disappoint.

Beth Murphy

Them then either of those things is going to be a barrier to initiating any kind of emotional or physical intimacy.

Beth Murphy

You know, big headline is control.

Beth Murphy

If anyone feels like they're going to be controlled and that's at stake, that's a risk.

Beth Murphy

If I'm going to initiate being becoming close.

Beth Murphy

Or moving close close towards someone that they're going to.

Beth Murphy

Try to get me to do or be something in doing that expresses rejection and that you're not measuring up.

Beth Murphy

You're not good enough.

Beth Murphy

Again, that's just slams the door shut on emotional and physical intimacy.

John Murphy

Another heart issue that'll be something that stands in the way of an initiator is going to be any sense of resentment or UN forgiveness for our previous rejection as well so that we come to every interaction with a history.

John Murphy

And the history can be one of grace, or it can be one of judge.

John Murphy

Stand it there.

John Murphy

I have unforgiveness there or I have resentment about the way things have happened in the past.

John Murphy

If I have that in me as an initiator, then that's going to be a barrier for me to wanting to get close because what I'm doing is I have with this anger and this resentment, I'm shutting down emotionally, so shutting down emotionally.

John Murphy

Has not advanced by desire for physic.

John Murphy

And then there's also the issue of has it felt abusive physically has?

John Murphy

Is it uncomfortable?

John Murphy

Is there something that if I initiate, then this opens up something where there's been discomfort or bad behavior in the past, and so those physical discomforts and boundaries are going to be crossed as well?

John Murphy

All of these things are going to put fear and lack of assurance on the part of initiator to.

John Murphy

Advanced physical intimacy.

Beth Murphy

It's also important to realize there are times when a person can have a history in a different relationship.

Beth Murphy

That is affecting their current relationship.

Beth Murphy

Any of those things connection with past people, the UN forgiveness, the fears that can develop into traumas from things that have happened in the past that can get layered onto the person that you're married to without really realizing that that's what's going on.

Beth Murphy

Where those negative things.

Beth Murphy

Maybe didn't exist with your spouse, but it's so deeply entrenched in your own history that you can't separate the two and it just causes a whole resistance.

Beth Murphy

Fear of any kind of physical touch or connect.

John Murphy

And so on.

John Murphy

The receiving end of initiation of physical intimacy there are very similar list of.

John Murphy

Barriers to not want to engage, to push back, to make myself unavailable, to go in some other room, to not make sure I never get in a situation where it would be natural for that to come my way 'cause I am as a receiver I'm in resistance mode I'm not I don't have the heart for this I'm shutting down because of history that I have with my spouse and it's the same.

John Murphy

Kind of thing I can have criticism this.

John Murphy

The fear of being criticized that no matter how this thing goes or what I do, that's not going to be good.

John Murphy

There's the sense of sometimes I can get myself into a performance mode where I've got the idea that this is all about performance and there's disappointment on my side that makes me feel bad.

John Murphy

I have my value wrapped up in our performing or how it is that on the other side that I have fear about the disappointment that comes from my spouse that I don't want to disappoint them.

John Murphy

So I've got me, I'm disappointing or I have them.

John Murphy

I'm disappointing.

John Murphy

Either way, these are more negative things that are on my mind and preoccupy me and make me want to withdraw.

John Murphy

And then there is the sense of being controlled into it as well.

John Murphy

Then I'm being told I have to show up or have to do a certain thing or whatever, however, control manifests.

John Murphy

People do not like control.

John Murphy

It's another place when I am controlled.

John Murphy

That means I'm not accepted and I want to shut down and avoid physical intimacy.

John Murphy

And again, the same kind of things are on the receiver side of resentment and unforgiveness from previous things.

John Murphy

I could have things that are going in my heart and I'm still angry and mad and frustrated about things have happened in the past and this these can have nothing to do with physical intimacy.

John Murphy

I could just be mad about a whole lot of other aspects of what's going on in my spouse, so it does.

John Murphy

It's not limited to this.

John Murphy

Us anything that's gone on the past.

John Murphy

I don't like the way I've been treated by my spouse.

John Murphy

I don't like the way they treat my child.

John Murphy

I don't like the way they point out my mistakes.

John Murphy

I mean all these kinds of things come into the barrier mode of this is shutting me down and when I'm shutting down emotionally then I am am not open to receive physical touch.

John Murphy

Another one that's real common is there's a family situation where the receiving spouse feels like that they're an environment of criticism, and they're constantly feeling this emotional rejection and control.

John Murphy

Again, not just in the physical intimacy world.

John Murphy

And then the last one again the fear of the actual physical aspect of this, that there's discomfort, or there is.

John Murphy

This is pushed too hard.

John Murphy

It feels abusive to some degree.

John Murphy

Those are all things which clearly are going to cause the receiver to resist.

John Murphy

Cut themselves off, lock themselves off, not show up, not allow themselves.

John Murphy

In those situations and just flat say no, and we have had scenarios where there are couples who have because of the relational side of the emotional intimacy shutting down that relationship.

John Murphy

That there has not been physical intimacy for years, sometimes decades, and they're completely stuck in it and they don't know how to breakthrough, because when they just look at it, their focus is how is it that the physical intimacy is not there?

John Murphy

And really, the focus needs to switch completely over to.

John Murphy

Why is the emotional intimacy not there and to dig into the root causes of that?

John Murphy

That's where the breakthrough is another.

John Murphy

Interesting point is there's a lot of sexual dysfunction, and from the physical perspective that's out there as well.

John Murphy

People are on drugs, people doing a variety of things trying to work their way through whatever sexual physical dysfunction they have.

John Murphy

I am certain, and I can think of the kinds of scenarios that we've run into where.

John Murphy

The reason why someone has this physical condition around sexual activity is an emotional reason they're showing up.

John Murphy

They would like to be physically intimate, but they simply can't.

John Murphy

Frequently it's because these things are going on inside, so even when they present themselves available they can't breakthrough what's going on inside of their heart.

John Murphy

What's going on inside of their mind, what they're processing.

John Murphy

On there are drugs that people take to try to overcome dysfunction.

John Murphy

I am certain that if we could get all these people in a room and get their emotional intimacy healed up and restored, that the need for a lot of those kind of things would go away.

Beth Murphy

So to resolve what?

Beth Murphy

Is experienced as the problems with physical intimacy.

Beth Murphy

It starts with dealing with the things underlying the emotional intimacy track and those are always going to reside in the deepest place in our hearts.

Beth Murphy

In our spiritual domain and right at the top of the list is going.

Beth Murphy

To be forgiveness because UN forgiveness is probably the single biggest issue.

Beth Murphy

Behind that Google search for sexless marriages.

Beth Murphy

Aside from that, creating that problem, we just want to get into the mode of thinking of it in terms of yeah, I just really want to honor you, Lord.

Beth Murphy

And I do want to get this offense out of my heart.

Beth Murphy

That's just eating me from the inside out.

Beth Murphy

It's just a poison and it's dramatically affecting my marriage and so this issue can bring to light the fact that wow, there are some things that I have let stack up over the years and it doesn't have to be over the years it.

Beth Murphy

Can be over the last two weeks.

Beth Murphy

But forgiveness for any past defense would be an enormously important first place to begin to restore emotional intimacy.

Beth Murphy

That then leads the the door open for there to be any physical intimacy in a marriage.

Beth Murphy

A next tremendously important one is to reject the lie that physical intimacy is the way to access.

Beth Murphy

Emotional intimacy or to fill a divine need of any kind.

Beth Murphy

Any sense of being valued.

Beth Murphy

Loved, worthwhile, attractive.

Beth Murphy

Any of those things that lie has just got a stranglehold on our culture.

Beth Murphy

It just devours marriages that is the world idea. That's not God's design and just opening your heart and a prayer to receive God's design to set that lie aside.

Beth Murphy

Just call it what it is that it is the world's law that's intended to be a destructive force in marriages and in people.

Beth Murphy

Parts individually, the truth is that we need emotional intimacy that's grounded in our worth.

Beth Murphy

When the love of God and filling that need through our connection with God and then establishing emotional intimacy in our marriage.

Beth Murphy

That's going to be the the pathway that leads to physical intimacy.

Beth Murphy

And then there's the whole issue of communication.

Beth Murphy

Understanding between husband and wife that physical intimacy is not going to fill a divine need and understanding and talking about boundaries on things that create difficulties.

Beth Murphy

Just being able to talk about relational issues, whether it's discomfort with control and rejection and criticism those.

Beth Murphy

Just talking those things through about how both of you are feeling, what's going on relationally and then of course get at any things that are just practical.

Beth Murphy

Physical barriers to what's going on here and allow your spouse to be able to help you with that as opposed to being mystified about avoiding it without really.

Beth Murphy

Understanding what's going on here just to allow them to partner with you and helping you through that struggle and it becomes something that is actually relationship building instead of a barrier in relationship.

Beth Murphy

And then of course, you want to just pray that God will lead you in the way that he has intended his blessing to be in physical intimacy, and how that would be realized in your marriage.

Beth Murphy

Foundational to all this is remembering this whole thing is God's idea. He has intended for this to be. He has intended marriage to be gratifying.

Beth Murphy

Fulfilling on all levels.

Beth Murphy

That's his plan.

Beth Murphy

It's his idea.

Beth Murphy

It's his domain and.

Beth Murphy

Opening the door in your mind to realize, oh, wait a minute.

Beth Murphy

This is something you've ordained, Lord.

Beth Murphy

I need to be connected with you about what's your track here.

Beth Murphy

What's the barrier in my heart?

Beth Murphy

How can I help my husband or my wife with the barrier in their heart?

Beth Murphy

What do you want to reveal to me about all this Lord?

Beth Murphy

Once you start getting on that track?

Beth Murphy

You lock arms with God, get on his moving sidewalk on his plan and things start to change.

Beth Murphy

In really dramatic ways because you've got the power and the love of God.

Beth Murphy

Fueling your decisions, your thought process and the way that you're looking at what has perhaps looked like a mystery that just cannot be solved, or a problem that cannot be resolved.

Beth Murphy

When of course God behind getting this thing resolved 'cause he intends for it to be resolved.

John Murphy

So physical intimacy issues are because of emotional intimacy issues, which are heart issues.

John Murphy

That those are things that are going on inside and the place to go to get help with your heart is God.

John Murphy

That's where he does some of his best work is in our hearts as we bring hearts to him and submit our hearts to him that he would grow us into a place of becoming more and more Christlike.

John Murphy

Which is through empathy and grace and acceptance.

John Murphy

And loving unconditionally is obviously moves us dramatically.

John Murphy

Forward in emotional intimacy and that's really what our objective is, and that's what most honors God and the physical intimacy is.

John Murphy

Fruit of working on our heart and honoring God in who we are and in our character just would like to invite people into a prayer where we can bubble up these things which are in our hearts that block our emotional intimacy and allow God in.

John Murphy

Ask him in and depend on him and take this to him to resolve it.

John Murphy

The first thing I like to do.

John Murphy

Is just open up a quick prayer so that you can ask out what are the things that we've talked about here so far which resonate for you.

John Murphy

What are the things that you really go?

John Murphy

Oh yeah, I am feeling that and so I'm just going to ask him real quickly.

John Murphy

So Heavenly Father, if you would just reveal and make clear to everyone who's listening what's going on in their heart when they hear this discussion, Lord and here you are.

John Murphy

We just ask that you would bubble up for them.

John Murphy

The thing that is most standing in the way of emotional intimacy in their life and in their marriage.

John Murphy

We just pray this in Jesus name.

Beth Murphy

So now your hearts open.

Beth Murphy

Let's just connect with the Lord on a prayer to get his plan underway.

Beth Murphy

So I'm going to say this prayer in phrases for you to have time to repeat the phrase during the pause.

Beth Murphy

Heavenly Father, I reject the lie of the world that physical intimacy is the way to fill my needs.

Beth Murphy

For divine and relational emotional intimacy that you built into me.

Beth Murphy

I declare that your design for intimacy is the only way to fill that need.

Beth Murphy

Father, forgive me for any way that I have judged, criticized or rejected.

Beth Murphy

Or tried to control my spouse.

Beth Murphy

For any reason.

Beth Murphy

And Lord, please forgive me for retaining any offence against my spouse for the same thing.

Beth Murphy

Father, forgive me for trying to fill any of my divine needs.

Beth Murphy

By seeking physical intimacy.

Beth Murphy

To satisfy my needs for divine unconditional love.

Beth Murphy

And worth.

Beth Murphy

Assurance about life.

Beth Murphy

Or comfort.

Beth Murphy

Father, please heal me of any way that my spouse and I have suffered.

Beth Murphy

From a wrong dependency on physical intimacy.

Beth Murphy

And please invade our hearts.

Beth Murphy

With an understanding of and the reality of how we can honor you in this aspect of our lives.

Beth Murphy

So we can receive a blessing you have for us in it.

Beth Murphy

Lord, please strengthen me with the desire to please you.

Beth Murphy

So that I can reflect more of the character of your son toward my spouse.

Beth Murphy

I pray all this in the name of your son, Jesus, Amen.

John Murphy

Amen, well we're so grateful that you are listening about on this very important topic and we hope that you will take the time to allow this to sink in and to engage these prayers.

John Murphy

And we just ask the Lord to bless you and bring you healing and bring you new levels of emotional.

John Murphy

Intimacy and physical intimacy with your spouse.

John Murphy

If you know of any other people who are suffering this way, please pass this podcast and also we're here to help.

John Murphy

We really appreciate your listening in today goodbye.

Beth Murphy

Bye bye thank you.